This morning, I caught up on a powerful documentary on alcohol - the BBC's 'Panorama: Binge Drinking and Me'. You can currently find it on the iPlayer here, if you're in a place where the iPlayer works. To summarise, it follows journalist Hazel Martin's personal journey into investigating liver disease in women under 40, following her diagnosis with liver problems as someone who was not dependent on alcohol. It expertly highlights that the dangers of alcohol affect more than just the stereotypical 'alcoholic'.
There are many parallels between my story of that and Hazel's - we both started drinking in our teens, neither of us drank everyday, neither of us were physically dependent on alcohol. In the documentary she spoke to Emma, whose wine drinking ramped up during the pandemic when she was living alone and used it as a way to self-medicate the stress; quite a few similarities to my story there too. Watching the documentary now, just weeks off being sober for 3 years, I found the documentary incredibly powerful at highlighting the issues around our drinking culture and the impact alcohol can have on the individual.
I wondered how I would have felt watching it in January 2021, a year before I quit drinking. The first question should be - would I have watched it? Probably not, if I'm being honest as I was happily in denial, but if I had it would not have been comfortable viewing. It would have been a massive mirror reflecting myself back at me, because what Hazel highlights so brilliantly is that there are consequences to drinking alcohol, even relatively small amounts. I'd have had to wake up to that and I'm not sure I'd have wanted to.
Without doubt, watching Hazel's journey would have made me consider the health implications of my own drinking. This was always in the back of my mind. On the rare occasions I had liver function tests, the normal results felt more like I was getting away with something than the expected outcome. Sort of like when I passed a test at school I hadn't done any revision for. Breathe a sigh of relief and ignore the role luck had played. I would have had to address the fact that just because it's 'normal' doesn't mean it's right. Pre-pandemic, my drinking was always in line with the cultural norms of those of us around in the 1990s. It started as social binge drinking, enjoying the advent of alcopops but as yet unencumbered by camera phones and social media. I worked in the City and thoroughly embraced that drinking culture - from the lunches to the after-work drinks. Working in healthcare, I would open a bottle of wine to destress after a long day. For all of my drinking life my habits didn't stand out as different from my peers. But it's not always 'safety in numbers'. You're not dodging an external attacker, or standing up to a bully; you're seeking out and willingly ingesting the very thing that's doing the damage. The danger comes from within, regardless of how many people around you are doing the same.
Post-pandemic, where my drinking is more in line with Emma's; using it as a crutch to numb out the stress, hurt and pain of living alone in the most stressful time in living memory. As we emerged from lockdowns, I found wine continued to be my go-to for almost all situations. Not every night, not crazy amounts each time, but I was drinking more than I had before and I was starting to feel it. Had I continued, I may have found myself in a situation similar to Emma, where I was no longer 'getting away with it'.
Whether or not the documentary would have been the catalyst I needed to make change, I don't know. I don't know if it would have been the thing that gave me the hope and strength to change. It's impossible to say. But what I can say is that it would have educated me on things I was not willing to hear.
I'd like to thank Hazel for being so honest about her personal journey with alcohol and showing that, by doing what is right for you despite societal norms, you can make change. You can alter your path. You can reverse liver issues. Outcomes aren't inevitable; change is possible. IMAGE: BBC iPlayer
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